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Ghosts, memories, and the changing seasons

TWTim

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Please excuse this self-indulgence. ;-)

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The first real nip of autumn was floating in the West Texas air when I awoke this morning. Summer is over now, and it won't be long until green turns to yellow, then yellow to gray as we move into the cold months.

The onset of autumn, for me, has always carried with it a certain somberness -- but more so this year than in years past. You see, I turn 40 this autumn. Yep, the big four-o. But as if that isn't enough to become introspective about, I also get the added bonus of having been laid off a few weeks ago from an Art Director job of almost five years which I absolutely loved. Sadly, it seems I'm yet another casualty of the lingering economic contraction. So here I am now, sending out resumés and scrambling to prove my professional value to people I generally don't know, all as the hour glass of my life is being flipped at its statistical halfway point. It's a lot for me to process right now, I'll honestly admit. The whole situation has left me a little depressed, and whenever I get depressed, I sometimes find myself lost in the happier memories of my past.

A sizable portion of that nostalgia, as you might imagine, has to do with motorcycles and motorcycling. I think of the many bikes I've had, the trips I've taken, the friends I've made, as well as the friends I've lost to the ride. Honestly, I don't know if doing so ultimately helps me or not, but these flowing mental tapestries of the past are what I use as a cloak of escape from time to time when I need a break from my stresses and anxieties. So imagine my surprise when I found a thread on a local motorcycle message board by a kid who now owns the beloved 2000 ZX6R I sold a few years ago to make room in the stable for my Kawasaki 1200. Talk about memories flooding back.

The bike (pictured above with me when it was new in 1999) has not fared particularly well since I sold it in 2007, having changed hands several times. I could write a very long story on how I got that bike, how thankful I was to have it, and all the blessed memories I made while riding it alongside lots of truly great people -- some of whom are still my best friends, some of whom I've unfortunately lost touch with, and some of whom are no longer with us. The guy who owns it now is using it partially as a stunt bike, which likely means it won't be around for much longer if the videos he posted in the thread are any indication. It could be worse, though. At least it's still running and on the street for now.

I say that because my most pressing fear when I initially decided to sell the bike was that an inexperienced rider would get ahold of it and be killed in a high-speed crash. For a short while, I even pulled it off the market and decided to keep it. It was only when a guy named Toby (a level-headed 37-year old) approached me about selling it to him, that I changed my mind again and finally decided to let it go. It was disappointing to later learn how Toby sold it after only a few months of ownership, but these things happen. Motorcycling isn't for everyone, and I totally understand his decision to sell. Still, when I learned the news, a heavy sense of regret over my selling it was thereafter with me.

Via the video, it was a bit difficult to watch the old girl looking so banged up and being flogged, especially after I had spent eight years' time and money keeping the bike in mint condition. I thought of how clean I had kept it, the valve adjustments and oil changes I had given it, and the otherwise letter-perfect periodic maintenance the motorcycle had received. And now, here was some 20-year old guy wringing its poor little neck in a parking lot, cracked bodywork, noisy valvetrain, ruined suspension and all. I kept thinking, Get off my bike! You're destroying it!

But it's not my bike -- not anymore, I thought. And in the very next moment, I fully realized that I needed to let it go. Once and for all, turn it loose. It's not healthy to hang onto things in such a way. Whatever happens to that bike physically in the future has no bearing on the joy it brought me or the things it taught me. It's ultimately just a hunk of plastic and metal, and a material thing which -- like all material things -- will eventually go away.

Maybe that's partially what I'm struggling with over this whole 'turning 40' thing. Part of me wants to be 25 forever. But I can't be. None of us can. Much like with the times I spent riding my old ZX6R, perhaps I just need to hold onto the valuable things I gleaned along the way like experience, friendships, knowledge and wisdom, and let the rest of it go in preparation for life's next adventure -- professionally and otherwise.

George Carlin once said that life is just a series of dogs you own. If there's any truth to that, then for me, life has been a series of motorcycles. And that particular ZX6R was a very important chapter in the life and times of Tim Kreitz. It was, in a sense, my twenties and thirties -- the summer of my life, now past. And perhaps that's why I couldn't part with it emotionally until just today.

I enter the autumn of my life in the autumn of the year. Fitting, I suppose. I know the winter will come soon enough, but for now I suppose I must remember that there is crisp air, a clear sky, and plenty of riding still left to do. It would be a shame to look back in the coldest moment of winter's grasp and realize that I didn't enjoy, for its own sake, the natural beauty of falling leaves, graying hair, ripening pumpkins, and love and friendships that grow even stronger over time. I pray that God will grant me the ability to do this as fully as possible, and that I might also bless others in the process.
 
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Well, I'm 50. You will be too in a couple of years! Trust me. At that point, you will look back and think that turning 40 was no big deal, and that life didn't begin a bell-curve decline. We're now empty-nesters and have travel plans in action that have been put off for 18 years. Life continues to be fun and exciting long after the points in time we all dread.

My layoff event was in the early '90s. I actually left the company before it happened. Turned out to be a hugely fortuitous event in my life, and I'm really glad it happened - now. Judging just by your writing, you appear to be an educated and intelligent person. Heck, anyone who knows that "resumé" has an accent is a friggin' genius compared to the average population! I suspect and hope that this will be a similar bump in the road for you.

Now, who out there has any connections or job leads for an art director? Let's start beating the bushes just a bit. One never knows.
 
Don't worry about 40. Like every other period of my life, while it is great to reminisce about those days gone by, I wouldn't want to return. I make a lot more money, have more opportunities than before and more freedom to pursue my interests instead of just working to survive.

The job thing will work itself out and in the mean time, the best riding season of the year is here!
 
Dang...40 was the "autumn of my life"? Now I'm depressed! :rofl:

Obviously you have had a few "defining moments" recently...don't let it get you down. I'm about to turn 53 in a few weeks, have a beautiful wife and family, retired in Feb. 09...and just bought a new R1 a few weeks ago!

Autumn? Heck no!

Writing and posting this thread tells me that you are well on the way to recovery. The best of times are right in front of you...enjoy it!
 
Very well written, Tim. :clap:

I keep going back to what a friend of mine, a veteranarian, once told me when I asked her about all the sadness in her job. She simply said "You can't save them all". When I'm confronted with conflict such as yours, my friend has been a great help with that simple statement.

Being 10 years your senior now, 40 is not the turning point unless you make it such. You and only you choose how life if viewed. It too is that simple. Keep your head up, and continue to do the right thing. Life is a grand journey indeed.

.
 
I usually refer to these as two beer thoughts, but I think this one requires some tequilas followed by scotchy-scotch. But very well written Prose-Master Tim.

edit: I've reread it several times, and I just have to say thank you. You've put out a lot of what I've needed to get through as well with other things. So self-indulgent, not at all.
 
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I definitely believe that the summer of my life has just begun. I will be 56 soon.

I am sure the ladies on the forum would agree with me when I say that men in their 40's are quite wonderful. Can I use the word 'yummy'? Yes, yummy.

So take your yummy self out and land your next even-better job! We will all be cheering for you. :mrgreen:

I also had to spend a moment using the motorcycle story you shared as a metaphor for an ex's regret leaving a marriage. I wondered if my ex ever regrets giving me up when he sees someone flogging and stunting me. I have ruined suspension, for sure!

Guess it doesn't work so well as a metaphor?

At least we can all ride!:rider:
 
I just hit the "FOUR OH" last month......... My wife is 8 years older than me, and seeing how active and full of energy she is made my birthday just another great day!!!! Hang in there man, good luck with the job hunt.:thumb:
 
Press on young man,it will get better. Like DaveC said,I'll trade you my 64 for your 40,and throw in a bottle of Jose Cuervo.....................deal?
 
I appreciate all the encouragement from every one of you, especially from those of you who are older than me and have gone through some of this already. Amidst all these shifts and changes, I feel like I'm being given the opportunity to mature and enjoy life in a different and better way.

A new chapter is about to begin, or perhaps it already has. :sun:

Thanks again, all.
 
Very well written and perfectly expressed many of the same feelings I had when I clocked 40 last year. Though a significant milestone, I'm finding that if anything it's a bit like tracking the growth of a child with little marks on a doorframe. You can't help but take note when full foot increments are reached, but they're really just reference points that provide you a point of comparison. Reflection to measure personal growth is always a good thing. Personally, 41 has been one of my favorite years yet.

Good luck with everything and thanks again for sharing.
 
Very well written and perfectly expressed many of the same feelings I had when I clocked 40 last year. Though a significant milestone, I'm finding that if anything it's a bit like tracking the growth of a child with little marks on a doorframe. You can't help but take note when full foot increments are reached, but they're really just reference points that provide you a point of comparison. Reflection to measure personal growth is always a good thing.

Very well said. I agree.


Good luck with everything and thanks again for sharing.

Glad to. I appreciate the feedback.
 
I am sure the ladies on the forum would agree with me when I say that men in their 40's are quite wonderful. Can I use the word 'yummy'? Yes, yummy.

I always knew I had you pegged as a cradle robber!


I also had to spend a moment using the motorcycle story you shared as a metaphor for an ex's regret leaving a marriage. I wondered if my ex ever regrets giving me up when he sees someone flogging and stunting me. I have ruined suspension, for sure!


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Uh, back up on that autumn of your life thingy starting at 40! From what I can tell, you've got a lot more going for you than to be 3/4 of the way done at 40 years old. And I don't even know you except through your erudite postings on this forum.

So, there's a job tip coming your way in your PM......AND

Soozy's right...I agree with her completely. yum....just saying. :rofl:

MotorcycleBelle
 
There is an old addage that goes......."A man will loose tommorrow looking back at yesterday" Cheer up. You have a great many exciting years ahead of you.

In a couple of months I will turn 65 and the autumn of this year is looking dark already!
 
Uh, back up on that autumn of your life thingy starting at 40! From what I can tell, you've got a lot more going for you than to be 3/4 of the way done at 40 years old. And I don't even know you except through your erudite postings on this forum.

So, there's a job tip coming your way in your PM......AND

Soozy's right...I agree with her completely. yum....just saying. :rofl:

MotorcycleBelle


Well, the way I was thinking about it, 0 to 19 years is the springtime, 20 to 39 years is the summertime, 40 to 59 is the autumn, and 60 to 80 is the winter. And if we're very lucky, maybe we get a bonus season. :thumb:

Thanks for the PM. I'm going to read it right now.
 
In a couple of months I will turn 65 and the autumn of this year is looking dark already!

Well, look at it this way: Eric Clapton turns 65 in March, and he's just as cool, relevant, and vital as ever. So let not the autumn be dark, my friend! :mrgreen:
 
Well I'm back because I just remembered an incident in my life that occurred when I turned 40 that I'd like to relate to you.

One day back then it dawned on me that I was having trouble reading an article in a magazine. This was totally new to me or rather it was one of those things that snuck up on me over a period of time so I didn't realize it. I have never worn glasses and the thought of going to them pictured in my mind a doddering old man supported by a cane and with a hearing aid prominently in the ear. Not a very good picture I thought, but if I wanted to read anything for the rest of my life I'd better look into some glasses so off to the optometrist I went.

Upon arriving at the Dr's office I was greeted by the usual 20 something year twit insisting that I fill out all the correct forms especially the ones about payment. After successfully navigating through all the forms I cooled my heels for about 30 minutes before being ushered into the exam room where to my plesant surprise I was greeted by a very attractive young lady in her late 20's. She cordidulay greeted me as she read over my forms and we began the eye exam without any further delay.

After completing the exam she promply told me in no uncertain terms and without any sympathy that I needed glasses to read and she recommended bi-focals. Bi-focals I clammered! Thats just what I needed to push me over the edge in my already somewhat panicky mental vision of myself. I quickly stammerd "I'm only 40!".

Her retort in a very flat, matter of fact tone to this was , "Well, you know how it is after 40,...Patch, Patch, Patch. My bubble was burst and I was totally devastated.

That set the stage for the rest of my life and since that day I have never had anything medical happen that I didn't think of that day.
 
I definitely believe that the summer of my life has just begun.

I will be 56 soon.

Tim,

From what I know from your writings, not just this post but elsewhere, if anyone is going to better than fine, and is somebody in the spring/summer, not autumn, of their life, it's you.

It's all part of the tapestry.

Good luck in the job search.

Tip: Let it all come through in your music.

Bob

PS

Soozy - excellent view of life in your quote above :thumb:
 
Tim: Here's the problem with your timeline: We live in TEXAS, where the SUMMER is L - O - N - G!!! Starts early, ends late...k?

So you gotta adjust your lifetimeline according to TEXAStime. And we barely have any winter at all.

Age is just a number in your head. Don't let it define you. I just turned 50 last year and blew the doors off when I bought a motorcycle. This year I rode it to Colorado by myself and had the best time of my life!!

MotorcycleBelle
 
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