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Please pray for my parents

Tourmeister

Keeper of the Asylum
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Location
Huntsville
First Name
Scott
Last Name
Friday
My folks are both 82. Mom will be 83 in February and Dad in May. Back in 2016, they tried to do a vacation trip to Steamboat Springs, Co. The second night they were there, I got a call from Mom letting me know they were in the ER. At first, they thought Dad was just having a bad case of altitude sickness. Then they thought it was pneumonia. Then they weren't sure what it was, but it was some kind of nasty infection in his lungs. They stabilized him, gave him a portable oxygen concentrator, and sent him back to Texas. The first night here he was back in ICU and I did not know if he would survive the night. He did eventually get "better", but never back to normal. They never did figure out what the infection was, but it took out about 30% of his lung capacity due to scarring. From that time on, he has had to use oxygen concentrators that he could wear in a mesh backpack, but only if he needed to move around. We teased him about being Darth Vader. Sitting at a table or in a chair, he was perfectly fine. But to go into town to run errands, get dinner, or anything else, he HAD to have the concentrator. In the last year or so he has had to go to higher continuous flow rate concentrators instead of the kind that just pulse when you breath. But he could still be fairly active and work. He finally retired from full time work in July of 2020. We worked together closely daily since January of 1994.

Fast forward to early November of this year (2021). My whole family got Covid. My older brother's family in DFW got it (pure coincidence), and Dad ended up in the hospital for about 7 days with double pneumonia, but no Covid. We all made full recoveries without any issues. When they released Dad I had to help him get into the house and set up his new "portable" oxygen concentrator, a 60 lb chunk of machine. It seemed that the smaller portable machines would no longer get the job done as they peak around 4 liters/min and he needed 6..., or so we thought the first few days. I wasn't sure he'd make it more than a few weeks the way he looked when he got home. It did not take long for him to run the big machine up to 8 liters/min, which is where he is holding now. He is looking and doing better. However, ANY physical activity other than sitting in a chair causes his blood O2 levels to drop precipitously, like into the low 80s. If he stops and sits down, it will come back into the mid to high 90s fairly quickly. The diagnosis we finally got was pulmonary fibrosis. It is degenerative and there is no real treatment or cure.

Thanksgiving Day, Mom and Dad came over to our house, just a few miles from their home. Dad had those green oxygen bottles you see people pulling behind them on those little metal carts. At his flow rate, those only last about 45 minutes to an hour. He had two, so he was not able to stay long. Just walking up our level sidewalk into the front door, maybe 40 feet, wiped him out. I think that experience scared him. Without the oxygen, he can't keep his O2 levels up even with NO activity, so running out while being away from his house would likely be fatal. Thanksgiving was the last time he was outside of his home.

The big concentrator JUST barely fits on his walker. The walker is heavy duty (he's an engineer as well), and handles the weight very well without any hint of tipping even when rolling over bumps around the house. The concentrator fits snugly and is well secured with straps. We zip tied an extension chord to the walker frame and it comes out of a big ball that sits on a swiveling platform. The chord will power retract so it doesn't stay a tangled mess in the hallway and get in his way. It sits in the middle of the house, the dinning room. It is 60 ft long so he can reach pretty much the whole house. It has effectively become a 60 ft leash.

Mom and Dad both are dealing with a lot of uncertainty and anxiety right now. She fusses over him and he gets annoyed because there are times he just wants to be left alone. He has no doubt about where he is going, so that is not an issue. Still, I think he may be struggling with depression simply because doing even the simplest of things has become so difficult. He has always been very active. Now his days are getting out of bed, moving to the dining room or living room, and basically sitting until he HAS to get up to use the restroom. He is not eating or drinking much, small meals at best. He doesn't even want to sit on the back porch just to be outside, something he and Mom have done together in the mornings for YEARS. He is usually in good spirits when we visit, but is often visibly in physical discomfort from the strain of trying to breath deep enough to get enough air. Basically, he feels like he cannot catch his breath and is suffocating... all day long... which he is :-| It's hard to imagine what that must be like and it is only going to get worse.

He's been doing a lot of tying up of loose ends type of things. He and Mom have been having those uncomfortable discussions, as have I and my older brother, with them and each other. Not seeing him daily as I did when we were working together has been pretty tough over the last year and a half. He has always been my best friend and mentor. We can talk about pretty much anything and we share many common interests. There is no one else in my life quite like him and the thought of him being gone is hard to even imagine. It is hard to talk to him now because Mom is always around and she barely lets him get a few words out before she interrupts and starts talking, even if I try to talk to him on the phone :doh: I don't have any ground breaking things I need to talk to him about or get off my chest before he's gone. I just want to hang out with him and visit, to get a good feel for where he is mentally, emotionally, etc,... I am hoping to have my wife take Mom out somewhere so he and she can get a break from each other and so I can get over there to visit him.

I don't really know how long Dad has. I have been told this condition picks up speed near the end. My prayer request is just that they be able to move through this difficult time with each other gracefully, and of course that the rest of us can do the same. My parents are not perfect. But as I look around the world and see what other parents are like, I am incredibly grateful and really feel like I hit the jackpot in that department. They were never rich by any means, but we never went without what really mattered, and I cannot recall EVER in my life entertaining even the slightest doubt about the depth of their unconditional love for their kids, even when I wrecked Dad's new truck before he even made the first payment :wary: I mean, I KNEW I was in TROUBLE!! But, I wasn't going to be beaten and berated, and I knew our relationship wasn't ruined beyond repair. It has became a story we laugh about now. That kind of emotional security for a kid is beyond priceless and my folks set a great example that I have tried to follow with my own kids, even though they have tested me sorely at times :-P

It is said that a father has a HUGE impact on how his children will come to view God. When we speak of God the Father, it is almost impossible for people to separate their view of our heavenly Father from that of their earthly father. For some people, this can make it exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to ever come to a point where they can accept God or worship Him. The unconditional love, forgiveness, and encouragement I received from my Dad (and Mom on many occasions) was a blessing in this regard as well. Like everyone else, I struggle with my Christian walk and coming to terms with God at times, but I did not have to tear down the many barriers so many people have from Dad issues. Well, there were no issues other than the fact that he was a preacher and everyone in church expected me to be perfect when they clearly weren't :roll: Dad has always lived with integrity, especially in our business, something I try very hard to carry on now that I have inherited the business.

Sorry for the ramble. It just sort of slipped out. If you could just keep my folks in mind and say a prayer for them every now and then, I would really appreciate it :zen:
 
Scott I will definitely lift your parents and the rest of your family up.
 
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I feel your heart in these words. There is joy and pain all rolled up together there. I did not have what you have with my father. He was a good man, just not able to share at any deep level. He passed a couple years ago. However, my son and I have exactly the relationship you describe. I guess I am just sharing some empathy.

Sorry to hear of your fathers decline. The struggle is real for you and him. I pray peace and joy overpower the pain.
 
Everything is for the glory of God, though it's hard to see in the moment. Life truly is a fleeting vapor. I will pray for comfort in these hard times.
 
Prayers going up for your dad and mom. And for you and your family as well, Scott. Try to get more time with your dad. I lost my dad in May of 2019 and had to push my schedule to get time with him at the last. We both enjoyed our final times together and talked about the business that we owned for decades. Hang in there.
 
My prayers and thoughts are with your parents and you and your family.
 
Not really much of prayer I'm afraid but I have been almost exactly where you are, a physically debilitated father with a vastly diminished quality of life and a mother whose sole existence had become keeping her husband alive, protecting him from everything and everybody and fighting daily with indifferent doctors, insurance companies and medical providers. Although you can empathize deeply with all they're going through there are times when you'd give anything just to have a normal conversation with either of them. But then, as my mother would say "oh well, your father thinks..."

If there's any consolation to at least not being alone in this, please accept it from me. Reach out if you ever want to talk.
 
When the grief councilor told our class that elation is oftentimes a response to loss...I thought this person was nuts. How could that ever possibly be? Well, when someone important to us suffers and that condition only worsens then yeah... a proper end isn't so abhorrent after all. Scott you gotta go through it to get through it...and you will.
 
Praying for you. I can relate having lost both my parents 4 months and 10 days apart in 2021.
 
When the grief councilor told our class that elation is oftentimes a response to loss...I thought this person was nuts. How could that ever possibly be? Well, when someone important to us suffers and that condition only worsens then yeah... a proper end isn't so abhorrent after all. Scott you gotta go through it to get through it...and you will.
It may make some people think I am heartless, but I do find myself praying for a quicker demise than slowly suffocating, for his sake and for everyone else's. We experienced the elation you speak of with both sets of grandparents. One had a stroke that destroyed the ability to form long term memories and she lasted another 20 years or so. Her husband faithfully cared for her right up to the end despite his own physical ailments. Once she was gone, in his mind his job was done and he went soon after. My other grandmother had Alzheimer's and it got REALLY bad the last few years. She didn't even recognize her husband of 66 years. He later passed from cancer at 90, but the entire family was able to see him the day before and he was mostly lucid the entire time. He too was ready to go. So it was a relief for him and for us. We have had similar experiences with friends suffering from cancer and dementia. My Mom's brother in law passed away from a massive heart attack at 78 years old. He had just had a check up a few weeks before and the doctor told him he was doing great. He was working in his garden getting ready for a big Sunday School corn boil party that he hosted annually. He came in the house and sat down, asked his wife for a glass of water, and when she turned around to hand it to him, he was already gone. She said it was a huge shock, but that she eventually came to realize what an incredible blessing it was. Unlike many of her friends and family, she did not have to watch him suffer over and extended period of time, nor was she buried in medical bills and all the stress of endless doctor visits. His estate remained intact and she was well provided for over the next 20 years or so before she finally passed away.

I can know that this is a normal part of life that billions upon billions of people have had to go through. Mentally, you think that helps. But this will be the first time I have had to go through it myself with a parent, and of course that makes all the difference emotionally. For over 25 years, every time I answered the work phone, the first words I often heard were, "Vernon? No? Oh, you sound exactly like your Dad!" The thought of continuing to hear that after he is gone is tough.
 
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