- Joined
- Apr 15, 2013
- Messages
- 1,299
- Reaction score
- 22
- Location
- Beeville
- First Name
- Bryan
- Last Name
- Hughes
I've never been one to look for petty or acceptance. When the bad things happen I usually keep it to myself for a number of reasons, but mainly because there usually isn't anything anyone can do or say that will make it better. I've watched all my siblings die, held friends while they crossed over. I watched from afar as my firstborn grow into a woman (divorce is never good). I've Lied awake at night because I couldn't stand sleeping alone, even though it's been 17 years since I've been with a woman. Which was my choice, so that makes it worse. So many things that can push some over the edge. But it never really hurt enough for me to do anything about it.
But 2019 may have pushed me over the edge!!!!!!!
I don't mean that in a hurt myself way, but more like I need to change how I live, my priorities. So what happened in 2019 that sucked so bad that I realized I need to do something?
On Jan. 17, 3 o'clock in the afternoon, the only woman that ever loved me faults and all, my mother, passed away..................................................................
She was 72, in okay health. She had been in AFIB for a year. She had rheumatic fever as a child and that caused her heart to enlarge on one side causing a valve to leak. They went in to repair the valve but found it too messed up to fix. So they decided to replace it.
Throughout the late 80s and 90s, she was diagnosed with pancreatitis. This was before they knew how to treat it. The cut her to pieces on the inside. She had so many surgeries that when they needed to do the ablation to correct the AFIB, they couldn't get to the heart without cracking her chest. For whatever reason, they only shocked her heart on one side. 4 TIMES over a few years. What they didn't know was they were shocking the bad part of her heart exacerbating the leaking valve.
Fast forward to the day of her relatively routine surgery, once they cut into her heat it started to leak because the wall over her heart was thinned by the ablations. The only way to stop the bleeding was to lower her blood pressure and put her on super stone blood thinners. They had to lower her BP so much that this caused her organs to start shutting down.
At that point, it was a loose loose situation. Up the BP and the heart will leak. Keep it down and she'd lose her kidneys, liver and who knows what else.
That when things went bad. She started leaking anyways. They had to reopen her chest! She was bleeding inside. By the time they fixed it, part of her intestines died. That dumped massive loads of potassium into her system. That section was damaged decades ago from her pancreatitis issues.
2-2=0
It was all too much for her. She died.
That was a Monday. The Sunday before I laughed at her and told her she was overreacting. THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME! YOU'LL BE FINE!!!!! I went to work that morning instead of going to the hospital with her. Even as I type this, I still can't believe it. I've typed this up 100 times and deleted it 100 times.
She wasn't just a mom. She was my counselor, my mentor, my shoulder, my punching bag (figuratively), and my friend. I wasn't ready for her to be gone. I'm still not! So many things are messed up right now and I don't have that rock to talk to. I have other people to talk to, but it's not the same. She had a way of listening, agreeing with you, all while showing you why you're wrong or right. She could listen and direct me to find my own answer, and now she's gone.
I've come to understand that now, even be okay with the new norm. But it still hurts. It hurts so much different than when my siblings died. I'm now the last of my immediate blood family. My mother, father, older and younger brothers, and our oldest sister, all dead. It's just me.
I do have my son. And I have the only real father I ever had, my stepfather. But there's still a hole that can't be filled now.
Just when I thought things were going to start getting better, I GET FIRED FROM WORK! 16.5 years with the state, gone! I worked my way up the ladder from the copy room to management. Then one day the pompass@$! commissioner decided to put a press secretary, a young girl that's never managed anyone over our department. I make a management decision, one that I have made multiple times and even got commended for doing, and she fires me because she didn't agree with it. No warning, no counseling, just fired!!!! 16.5 years without even a mark on my file and I'm out.
This girl doesn't know what she did. She most likely doesn't even care. She did this to the other managers in my department before me. Honestly, in the back of my head, I knew it was coming. I just couldn't believe it was actually happening.
She's caused so many things to happen. That's why I'm selling my trailer. I have to sell my home! I can't afford my bills now. Even if I get a job, I won't get one paying what I made. The ride is over. Now it truly IS a start over.
That's not the messed up part..........
What's messed up about all of this is I feel like "bad word" because I'm excited!!!!!!!!
I feel guilty because I've secretly hated being the last kid. I was never the good kid, the favorite son. I was the trouble maker. The drug user, the drunk, the criminal. I was the kid that put the F in fun and didn't care who got hurt. It wasn't until my son was born that I NEEDED help. I couldn't do it on my own. I became a single dad before his 3rd birthday. And even with all the stuff I did, mom was there. She was is a big factor in how I became the man I am today. We literally had companies quit using our agency because they fired me. I was the fixer. The loss of institutional knowledge was too much. And on top of that, the guy they put in my place lol, can't even remember his password!!! It's literally password1 lol.
Now I'm excited because I can do what I want, go where I want, BE WHO I WANT! I've never lived more than 45 mins from her because I needed to be close in case something happened. Now I can live anywhere and that excites me.
I've got an interview with txdot in Hereford TX on Monday and one in George West on Tuesday. I only have 6.5 years to go to retire. So I have to stay with the state. But I'm done with Austin. I done sitting in traffic. It was eating me alive. I HATE desk work. I've applied for a maintenance tech position. Basically, that's the tractor-trailer driver, heavy equipment operator, jackhammer operator.
I'm excited because I'm now free. It's bittersweet. I've lost the only woman that truly loved me and I'm scared I won't find anyone else. Even if I do, they won't be able to stand up to her standards. I'll probably just run them off.
I've dealt with death. I've even beat it a time or two. It's always been easy to deal with because it's just pain and over time you get used to the pain. Over time it dies down.
But I've never felt relief though. And that's what's killing me inside.
I miss you momma.
But 2019 may have pushed me over the edge!!!!!!!
I don't mean that in a hurt myself way, but more like I need to change how I live, my priorities. So what happened in 2019 that sucked so bad that I realized I need to do something?
On Jan. 17, 3 o'clock in the afternoon, the only woman that ever loved me faults and all, my mother, passed away..................................................................
She was 72, in okay health. She had been in AFIB for a year. She had rheumatic fever as a child and that caused her heart to enlarge on one side causing a valve to leak. They went in to repair the valve but found it too messed up to fix. So they decided to replace it.
Throughout the late 80s and 90s, she was diagnosed with pancreatitis. This was before they knew how to treat it. The cut her to pieces on the inside. She had so many surgeries that when they needed to do the ablation to correct the AFIB, they couldn't get to the heart without cracking her chest. For whatever reason, they only shocked her heart on one side. 4 TIMES over a few years. What they didn't know was they were shocking the bad part of her heart exacerbating the leaking valve.
Fast forward to the day of her relatively routine surgery, once they cut into her heat it started to leak because the wall over her heart was thinned by the ablations. The only way to stop the bleeding was to lower her blood pressure and put her on super stone blood thinners. They had to lower her BP so much that this caused her organs to start shutting down.
At that point, it was a loose loose situation. Up the BP and the heart will leak. Keep it down and she'd lose her kidneys, liver and who knows what else.
That when things went bad. She started leaking anyways. They had to reopen her chest! She was bleeding inside. By the time they fixed it, part of her intestines died. That dumped massive loads of potassium into her system. That section was damaged decades ago from her pancreatitis issues.
2-2=0
It was all too much for her. She died.
That was a Monday. The Sunday before I laughed at her and told her she was overreacting. THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME! YOU'LL BE FINE!!!!! I went to work that morning instead of going to the hospital with her. Even as I type this, I still can't believe it. I've typed this up 100 times and deleted it 100 times.
She wasn't just a mom. She was my counselor, my mentor, my shoulder, my punching bag (figuratively), and my friend. I wasn't ready for her to be gone. I'm still not! So many things are messed up right now and I don't have that rock to talk to. I have other people to talk to, but it's not the same. She had a way of listening, agreeing with you, all while showing you why you're wrong or right. She could listen and direct me to find my own answer, and now she's gone.
I've come to understand that now, even be okay with the new norm. But it still hurts. It hurts so much different than when my siblings died. I'm now the last of my immediate blood family. My mother, father, older and younger brothers, and our oldest sister, all dead. It's just me.
I do have my son. And I have the only real father I ever had, my stepfather. But there's still a hole that can't be filled now.
Just when I thought things were going to start getting better, I GET FIRED FROM WORK! 16.5 years with the state, gone! I worked my way up the ladder from the copy room to management. Then one day the pompass@$! commissioner decided to put a press secretary, a young girl that's never managed anyone over our department. I make a management decision, one that I have made multiple times and even got commended for doing, and she fires me because she didn't agree with it. No warning, no counseling, just fired!!!! 16.5 years without even a mark on my file and I'm out.
This girl doesn't know what she did. She most likely doesn't even care. She did this to the other managers in my department before me. Honestly, in the back of my head, I knew it was coming. I just couldn't believe it was actually happening.
She's caused so many things to happen. That's why I'm selling my trailer. I have to sell my home! I can't afford my bills now. Even if I get a job, I won't get one paying what I made. The ride is over. Now it truly IS a start over.
That's not the messed up part..........
What's messed up about all of this is I feel like "bad word" because I'm excited!!!!!!!!
I feel guilty because I've secretly hated being the last kid. I was never the good kid, the favorite son. I was the trouble maker. The drug user, the drunk, the criminal. I was the kid that put the F in fun and didn't care who got hurt. It wasn't until my son was born that I NEEDED help. I couldn't do it on my own. I became a single dad before his 3rd birthday. And even with all the stuff I did, mom was there. She was is a big factor in how I became the man I am today. We literally had companies quit using our agency because they fired me. I was the fixer. The loss of institutional knowledge was too much. And on top of that, the guy they put in my place lol, can't even remember his password!!! It's literally password1 lol.
Now I'm excited because I can do what I want, go where I want, BE WHO I WANT! I've never lived more than 45 mins from her because I needed to be close in case something happened. Now I can live anywhere and that excites me.
I've got an interview with txdot in Hereford TX on Monday and one in George West on Tuesday. I only have 6.5 years to go to retire. So I have to stay with the state. But I'm done with Austin. I done sitting in traffic. It was eating me alive. I HATE desk work. I've applied for a maintenance tech position. Basically, that's the tractor-trailer driver, heavy equipment operator, jackhammer operator.
I'm excited because I'm now free. It's bittersweet. I've lost the only woman that truly loved me and I'm scared I won't find anyone else. Even if I do, they won't be able to stand up to her standards. I'll probably just run them off.
I've dealt with death. I've even beat it a time or two. It's always been easy to deal with because it's just pain and over time you get used to the pain. Over time it dies down.
But I've never felt relief though. And that's what's killing me inside.
I miss you momma.
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