At last week's Hill Country 500, I tried to get my fellow riders interested in synchronized two-wheel aquatic ballet.
The conditions were perfect - recent rains, briskly flowing water, an undisturbed coating of fish snot on every crossing, and plenty of onlookers ... but to no avail.
I learned that this lot prefers a solo display to get the best effect of splashing water, scraping metal, and the obligatory teeth-sucking at 120 decibels.
I must say the performances were quite amazing. From a simple, perfectly-executed cranial crunch to a wildly impressive double-end swap with a double inside-out tuck and roll. Inspiring.
Techniques were discussed afterwards and generally agreed upon:
1. aim for the 4-wheel line with the most water, eyes straight ahead, lightly gripping the bars with one's weight slightly aft of center.
2. with minimal throttle input and delicate clutch feathering, tense up rapidly as the flowing water and fish snot conspire to move you away from your chosen line
3. ensure you've created adequate intestinal suction to draw inward at least two inches of seat cover [this may be challenging as the required space may be limited by other materials attempting to make rapid egress].
4. once one's performance begins, it is imperative to make dramatic eye contact with anyone on the far side of the crossing
5. draw in double one's normal lung capacity through lightly clenched teeth at roughly Mach 1.3
6. then, as your fall begins, emulate the rutting call of a bull walrus
6. while simultaneously pleading to God above for the cessation of gravity.
It's really quite simple and for some, myself included, a natural talent.
You'll pick this up in no time. Just practice.